Tag: dayjob

Code Monkey Flails At Code

Courtesy Plognark.com

*makes various ‘ook’ and ‘eek’ sounds*

*slaps paws against keyboard*

*throws monitor*

So over the last few months I’ve been learning a lot about myself.

In addition to exploring my inner mental and emotional landscape, coming to terms with seizing my own sovereignty, and doing my utmost to unlearn some nasty learned behaviors, I’ve made strides in returning to a dayjob that is rewarding in both a personal and financial aspect. A couple of weeks ago, I finally found one. I’m very happy to be here.

But ye gods and little fishes, is it frustrating sometimes.

I’ve discovered that I’m actually a pretty logical thinker. To me, A should lead to B which results in C. However, sometimes my head weasels try to derail that and take me from A to B by way of Z. That’s dumb, and I’m getting better at not doing it. Even if sometimes my boss has to say “Josh, are you making things harder than they have to be again?”

I’m still not sure where I picked up my habit of trying to play life on Hard Mode.

Since I started working here, I’ve had several jam sessions regarding programming logic and order of operations related to specific tasks and goals. It’s been difficult at times for me to comprehend what goes on under the hood of certain functions, as at first the logic seems to fly in the face of common sense. However, taking a step back to realize what the code is actually doing as opposed to what we want it to do has helped. I’m still frustrated, to be sure, but at least I better understand why the hell the thing I want to work is not working.

“Hey, am I just dumb, or is it this code that’s dumb?”

That’s in jest. I know I’m not dumb. I can just overlook a fact or miss an aspect of a function that makes a thing work the way it should.

We’re looking at moving on from using WordPress as our foundation for our products, and building something in more modern, secure, and malleable code structures. I feel that getting tossed into the deep end of the current workload here has prepared me for that sort of looking ahead. I know this work will be worth it.

Man oh man, it hurts sometimes, though.

It’s like going to the gym after you’ve skipped out for a while. Or getting back to long-distance running after taking the winter off because fuck that, it’s cold outside. It hurts. You ache, and you struggle to breathe, and why in the name of all that’s good and awesome am I doing this to myself. But it’s worth it. Soon it won’t hurt so much. And the results will be even more magical than they are now.

Until then, it’s poo-tossing time.

*ook ook eek*

Thursdays are for talking tech.

What Is Relaxation?

Courtesy University of Northern Iowa Comp Sci Dept

I’ve been pushing myself pretty hard the last few weeks. It’s a little difficult not to feel cut off from family and friends, at least in some regards, when I put myself in this particular mindset. This tension has been so pervasive that, even when a day goes well or a weekend offers plenty of distractions or amusements, I find it difficult to relax.

I know that’s what I should be doing. I know that the more I push myself, the more likely it is that I will either burn out, crash, or both. I’m certainly not in a position where that sort of self-sabotage is helpful to anybody. I have people that rely on me and I don’t want to be the sort of person who shirks his duty or makes intolerable mistakes, even if I do own up to them when they’re made. A pessimist would look back on my life and say it’s a sorry, endless parade of one monumental screw-up after another.

Even if that’s the case, I’m not willing to give up.

We are truly our own worst enemy. My mind is happy to try and make problems bigger than they are, or even attempt to create them where none exist. It’s an unhealthy bout of paranoia, and I’m trying not to heed it. At the same time, I know that this undercurrent is keeping me from making the most of the time outside of work. This isn’t to say that I blame work for it – I can’t blame anybody but myself for a problem that’s in my own head – and given my position and duties, I’m very thankful to still be gainfully employed.

Let’s just hope that continues. In the meantime, I will try to relax. If I can even remember what that means.

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